An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to obtain a
sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The
next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous
day. The doctor asked him what had happened and the man explained:
“Well Doc, it’s like this, first I tried with my right
hand but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried it with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried it with her mouth, first
with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We
even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin’
it between her knees, but still nothing.” The doctor was shocked!
“You asked your neighbour?” The old man replied “Yep.
And no matter what we tried we still couldn’t get that damn
jar open.
Dinner Conversation
Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Husband: Definitely not!
Wife: Why not – don’t you like being married?
Husband: Of course I do.
Wife: Then why shouldn’t you remarry?
Husband: Okay, I’d get married again.
Wife: You would? (With a hurt look on her face)
Husband: (audible groan)
Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Husband: Where else would we sleep?
Wife: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Wife: Would she use my golf clubs?
Husband: No, she’s left handed.
Wife: (silence)
Husband: …Damn.
A man walking along a Californian beach was deep in prayer. All
of a sudden, he said out loud, “Lord grant me one wish.”
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the
Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in
all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The man said, “Build
a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.” The
Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required
to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would
take! I can do it but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish,
a wish you think would honour and glorify me.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord,
I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel
inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment,
why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’,
and how I can make a woman truly happy.” The Lord replied,
“You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to
their TV set, place their right hand on the TV and the otherhand
on the body part that needed healing. Grandma got up and slowly
hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left
hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on
the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him
and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose
of this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!”
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