COUNSELLING

By Lynette Davies

Recently, I was running a Change Management Workshop for a large organisation and I asked the group in general how they felt about change. It was early in the program and they were not settled in comfortably enough to speak up — most hung their heads so I wouldn’t catch their eye and single them out.

After a few minutes one game soul, who obviously felt he didn’t have a controversial opinion and was therefore safe, said - “I don’t have any problems with change. I think all of this upheaval we are going through here is just fine - so long as it doesn’t affect me!”

So I asked the obvious questions, “Why do you feel that it doesn’t affect you?” And, “How do you manage to avoid it?” His response, which is of course a common held attitude, was, “I just keep doing things the way I always did. It’s worked this way for 30 years. It ain’t broke why does it need fixing?”

I guess the short answer to that is: Change. Move. Adapt or become extinct! The facts of life, unfortunately, are: egress or regress. Life itself does not stand still. We must, so long as we draw breath, move forward because if we stand still life will pass us by.

The world is moving at such a rate that computer companies work in ‘web years’ (three month cycles). Senior executives are being employed on a one or two year contract basis on the understanding that when they have completed the project or exercise they will move on. They are there simply to set up the change strategies, a management team will be responsible for implementing them.

Last year I facilitated Change Management courses for two major companies which involved their whole organisation. They were broken down into groups beginning with chief executives, next middle management then blue collar.

It came as no surprise to me that they all had the same issues, concerns and complaints. In each group it was as if I had overlaid onto the next. And, since these were extremely confrontational programs I was always fascinated to read their evaluations at the end of the day. Apart from the CEO they all scored low for their own need to do such a program but in response to the question “Who else do you know that would benefit from such a course?”, to a person they said “Everyone else in the organisation.”

The loud and clear message here is that when it comes down to dealing with rapid, constant change - we mostly deal with it by denial! Past experience after all has proved that if we ignore it long enough it will go away. Another new idea, ideology, method, concept, project or process will be introduced and no-one will be any the wiser that we had never actually mastered the last one.

All of this is not really so surprising if we take into consideration the basic premise of human needs as outlined by Mazlow’s Hierarchy of Needs:

Security:
Do we have a job? These are the most basic issues on which we build our foundation.

Comfort:
The benefits & perks of the job. Once a sense of security sets in we begin to look around and see how we can make the most of our situation.

Socialisation
Peers, reporting, relationships. The daily issues that make up our world and establish the order of things.

Self-esteem
Success, competence, reinforcement. How we fit into the scheme of things - who we are and what we do defined by measurable, recognised benchmarks.

Self-actualisation

Quality of life issues - career path. Now we have established who we are, are recognised for what we have achieved and no longer have to prove anything, we begin to question the whole process, search for the meaning of life, look for ways to give back some of our bounty and make empowering choices.

So if this is all normal can we heave a large sigh of relief and console ourselves in the fact that if there is a model for it we are ‘okay’? Sadly, the answer to this is age dependant. Young people are far more adaptable, in fact they thrive on change. As we mature we become more entrenched in our comfort zones and don’t take kindly to even the threat of change. If we are to be really honest we resist it preferring to stay with the tried and true; a set of rules and principles from which we have built our whole character and determine our behaviour.

So what happens when major change is foisted upon us? We have reached a prescribed retirement age or been passed over for someone younger? At any age major upheaval such as divorce, death of a spouse, relocation, moving into a new home or a new job causes our stress levels to sour up the Richter scale. But, when we are over 50 the impact is far greater because we are slower to recover and the process is therefore drawn out and more painful.

Of all the ageing issues we have to deal with the most traumatic is losing our job. Men in particular suffer a real crisis as their whole sense of self has been tied up with what they do. Women on the other hand tend to have more balanced lives because of demands of family and their ability to enjoy formica-bench type counselling with girlfriends.
Change is scary enough if we have chosen to embrace it but when it is thrust upon us it becomes mind numbingly terrifying. The human psyche responds best when given freedom of choice and resists when presented with a fate accompli.

An interesting experiment (using productivity as the driver) was conducted at Stanford University. Students were place in two rooms into which were piped a cacophony of sounds. They were identical except for one aspect: one room could control the sound with an off/on switch. The result was a 60% increase in productivity in the room with the switch. However ...they did not use it! Proof indeed that we can accept a less than perfect scenario so long as we believe we have an option we are free to access.
Due to the fact that so many of us are reaching retirement age there has been a huge amount of research conducted on the emotional and psychological fallout. Again you will be relieved to know you are not alone and that there is a predictable, predetermined pathway through this nightmare. If it looks similar to that of the grief counselling cycle don’t be surprised as it is, after all, a grief process. You are dying of the old to live for the new.

Betrayal

If we have given our all to our job and made it our life then the first immediate reaction is one of betrayal. “I’ve given you the best years of my life and this all I get for it?” “Whatever happened to `do right by us and we’ll look after you’?” And, “I turned down other offers and stayed loyal to you and this is how you reward me!”
Our underlying emotion is anger and we explode in inappropriate ways. To get us through this stage we need to be allowed to vent. Don’t try to stem the flow - it will pass.

Denial

This is the phase when we attempt to negotiate; to believe that if we can just hang in there a miraculous resolution will appear. You tell yourself, “If I just keep a low profile this will all blow over” and “There has been some ghastly mistake.”

Again the underlying emotion is anger. Usually at this stage it is demonstrated more subtly and aggression is passive. Denial also requires freedom of expression and gentle, repetitive, feeding back of the facts. Arguing will delay the process as there will be an immediate reversion to betrayal.

Identity Crisis

Through this phase we beat up on ourselves and re-examine every past action and conversation seeking a clue as to where we went wrong. Most frequent comments are: “Who would want me now?” And, “Where in hell do I go from here?” The underlying question is, “Can I cut it anywhere else?”
Fear is the overwhelming emotion at this stage. After all, this is my whole sense of self that is being threatened. Who I am and what I do are intricately woven into the fabric of my character. Take away my title, status, sense of purpose and I no longer know who I am. I no longer have a reason to get up in the morning. No longer have anyone to look up to me and respect me. No sense of direction. No urgency to shower, shave or get dressed. “Who cares - no-one will see me.”

While these stages are being experienced there is often extreme mood swings between the different phases. Just when you feel you are getting a
handle on things someone or something will trigger a
reaction and you are back on the emotional roundabout.
It is important to remember that you are not alone in this. What you need the most throughout all this is a supportive network of friends and a very understanding partner. Face it, you are extremely difficult to live with and will try the patience of anyone close to you.

Friends may feel embarrassed because their immediate reaction was, “Thank God it isn’t happening to me.” Your partner may instinctively think, “How is this going to impact on my life?” Then they will feel guilty and overcompensate. Acquaintances will not always know how to handle the situation and tactically withdraw until you get back to ‘normal’. In all honesty you are not exactly acting like yourself so no-one will know how to deal with you. They will wait it out and follow your lead.

And is there life after redundancy or retirement? Of course there is and there are multitudes of people waiting to tell you that life has never been better since they retired and they wonder every day why they didn’t do it sooner. You of course won’t be ready to hear this until you reach the last phase in the cycle.

Search for Solutions

As the heading implies this comes about when you have exhausted the anger and overcome the fear and begun the healing process. Finally you are ready to hear that there are other options - many of these very exciting. You can dream new dreams, plan new pathways, achieve new goals, and climb different mountains. This is merely a new phase in life and one that can, if you look after your health, be the best ever.

Statistics prove that we are living longer now. Yesterdays 60 is today’s 40 while yesterdays 80 is today’s 60. We have greater choices, more personal freedom, what we do for this span of our lives is only limited by our imagination and energy. Change your thinking and your life will change. Remove preconceived ideas that are limiting and stretch your mind and your body. Surprise yourself with what you can do. Rediscover your partner while you still have time or romance someone new if you don’t have a partner.

And just in case you are still holding on to preconceived ideas and cannot accept new ways of doing things have a chuckle over this great example of a paradigm shift. Once upon a time long, long ago all our meat was eaten RAW. One day however after a group of marauders had pillaged a small village they concluded the rampage by burning down the village including all the livestock. In the process of moving a dead pig aside, someone licked the grease off their fingers went “yum, yum” and ate the cooked pig. From there on their whole concept of eating meat changed and whenever they fancied pig they burnt down a village.

For too long I have observed so many people of my vintage (around 55) giving up and putting all their remaining energy into examining every little ache and pain and anticipating the onslaught of some dreaded lurgy. In an act of rebellion I threw out my doctor’s phone number and substituted it with my own philosophy. “I would rather die living than live dying.” So long as I am alive I want to cherish every minute of it!