Funny Page

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Eventually, their activities became limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
“Now don’t get mad at me...I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you use to bite my neck.”
Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea.
No sooner were the papers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea.”
Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big s*#t he always was.”

Three sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 years live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.”
She starts up the stairs and pauses. “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”
She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her bottom was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50 000 ... please advise".

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."