Counselling - The Language of grief

Death has become a taboo topic and consequently we are not versed in the language of grief.
by Maurice taylor

We are very much a death denying society and as a result, a grief denying one. Death is not acknowledged consciously until someone close to us has passed. Given that experience is supposed to be the best teacher, we generally face the test without the benefit of any lessons. Put simply, bereavement is the cost of commitment, the price you pay for loving someone. People have expectations that they will ‘get over’ their grief. The reality is that most people grieve for the rest of their lives. They do not ‘get over it’; they simply learn to deal with it. As a counsellor, my role is to give people space to discuss their loss and provide them with the tools they need to cope. Much counselling is education when it shouldn’t have to be. What we seem to have forgotten is that death is a natural phenomenon, albeit, one that professionals have served to mystify. There is a lot of literature on grief, almost as though we have just invented death and bereavement and are now making a lifestyle of it. The literature often impresses on people that they won’t get through their loss without professional help. It is has been my experience however that more than 50% of people, once told the fundamentals of what being bereaved entails, can go away and work on it. The other 50% are not deficient in any way, it is simply that everybody is different and there should be no time periods or expectations when dealing with a bereaved person.

People grieve individually. There are many ‘manuals’ on grief that can attract a bereaved person who wants a ‘quick fix’ to their pain. These grief models may work for some but they can also demoralise a bereaved person if they fail to fit into the mould or do not progress at the stated rate. I personally encourage people, if they are able, to read avidly about grief. People need to familiarise themselves with a terrain that is foreign and reading about the experiences of others can be helpful. There are also many novels and movies that deal with loss and bereavement. When people come to me, I talk to them in the language of a person not a professional. I ask them in what capacity they have sought me out, as a Client, Visitor or a Prisoner. A Client is someone who has read about grief and needs help with the parts they are stuck with. Visitors are often like Clients but have reservations about psychologists such as qualifications, methods, costs and background. I don’t start any work with Visitors as they may not wish to come back. A Prisoner is someone who feels they’re doing okay but their well meaning support team thinks they need a counsellor. I find that if I address their needs they often come back when and if they feel they need to. I have never had a complaint about my categorisation as people understand what I am trying to achieve and the process often helps to clarify things in their own minds. I aim to give people equal power in the process so that they may help me, help them. I am repeatedly inspired by the courage that grieving people find. Once they are reassured that the upside down nature of their life is normal, they can then determine how to proceed.

A counsellor listens, reassures and provides the tools that a grieving person needs however most of the healing comes from the griever. This may sound harsh but it is true. People think ‘how can I do it when I am at my lowest ebb?’ This is the paradox of grief. The grieving person should call the shots. Understandably, they usually don’t want to and try to allow somebody else to make decisions. A bereaved person needs a team to support them through their pain. A good way to gather a team is to draw concentric circles. The people in the inner circle or sanctum should not necessarily be the closest people to you as often they are grieving themselves. The people in the inner circle should simply offer support. Every achievement is important regardless of size. If a bereaved person finally emerges from underneath their doona after three days they should not be pressured into taking a bigger step, such as going out for coffee. Do not police people’s grief. The support team must understand that they will feel useless and impotent in the beginning. Misguided kindness, such as trying to make someone go out when they’re not ready, will only slow the grieving process down. The counsellor should be part of the team however I tell people that if they are having a good afternoon with the neighbours they can cancel an appointment. It is up to the grieving person to decide what is best, when they need help and what kind.

A bereaved person will eventually succeed in minimising the grief to a level that they can live with. Until they get to this stage they need people around them that they can be themselves with in their grief. The language of grief has been sanitised through writing and grief experts with textbook knowledge don’t necessarily have awareness of personal pain. People need to be allowed to express their grief in their own way and not be disempowered by the professional sanitised world of grief lore. There is nothing sacred about the pain of grief. When people have physical symptoms such as headaches, insomnia or loss of appetite, I send them to the doctor even though I am 99% sure the grief is causing it. Medication should not be withheld because other people think the grieving person should be able to cope. Pain should not be forced on people and pharmacology can be judiciously prescribed to assist a person in the short term. Grief is mostly the minutiae, the little things like finding a button or lipstick belonging to the deceased and being overwhelmed by emotion. People often find that they can manage the death and the funeral but then they discover an object that means nothing to anybody else. This seemingly insignificant item, such as a button, will be as a shard of glass that penetrates deeply for a time. If there is one thing I have realised through watching average people trying to face up to the loss of a loved one, it is that you can add up the parts of grief and not have the sum.

Maurice Taylor is a psychologist and the co-ordinator of the Bereavement Care Team at Calvary Health Care Sydney.