Moving on

What is an appropriate length of time between the death of a spouse and entering into a new relationship? BY LYNETTE DAVIES

This is an issue that is becoming more prevalent as both our ageing population and our life expectancy increases. According to statistics, today’s 60 year olds are enjoying better health and living fuller, more active lives compared to last generation’s 40 year olds. So it is not overly optimistic to anticipate at least another 20 years if we enter into a new partnership at 60. This is, of course, assuming that we are talking about death of natural causes or age related diseases. Younger people who have lost a partner through an accident or premature illness tend to fall into the same guidelines as young divorcees. With more mature (read over 50) people there is an assumption that the major issues of childrearing, career building, purchasing a home and establishing financial security, have already been dealt with.

What remains is an expectation that the twilight years will be spent enjoying the fruits of our labour, with the person who shared this journey. When this dream is torn asunder we are left bereft, lonely, and often ill equipped to deal with life as a single person. Couples who have been together for any length of time, irrespective of whether they were ‘happy’ or not, feel as if a part of them is missing when their partner is no longer around. If the marriage has been a contented, companionable one built on love and mutual respect, its end represents the loss of friendship, support, love and intimacy. There is a physical as well as emotional emptiness. The good news here is that if you had the recipe right once, you have a higher chance of getting it right again.

Seemingly contradictory is the fact that even if the relationship has been one based on convenience and tolerance the same sense of loss will be experienced. Gone will be the purpose, routine and habit of everyday life and the comfort of knowing there will be no surprises. This group will opt for solitude or repeat the same patterns again and be attracted to a partner with identical characteristics as their previous one. It may not be apparent at first but given time they will find that they are repeating familiar and thus comfortable habits. When a new opportunity is presented to either group they will react according to individual needs. As we grow older we are more inclined to be wary of immediate attraction and give more attention to the bigger picture.

We take into account lifestyle, interests, extended friends and family, and give far greater value to companionship. Attraction is great! In fact it is fantastic but by this stage, hopefully, we are aware that with or without Viagra, sex is highly unlikely to be the mortar that holds this new relationship fortress together. As an interesting aside, in India, despite growing Western influences, some couples marry for love but a high percentage still prefers traditional arranged marriages. A comparative study found that love started at a higher level in love matches, but was more likely to decrease over 10 years or more of marriage, while the opposite occurred in arranged marriages. All of which, to me, says that we need to be a little more objective when considering a partner. At a certain point in any relationship (usually at the three month mark) we have to make a choice – move forward or let it go. Love, therefore, is a choice! So why do we choose to remarry?

Common reasons are:
Companionship – The genuine desire to share the remaining years with someone compatible and recreate the wonderful feelings of family, togetherness and belonging.
Love – A strong physical and emotional attachment and the belief that the person they have found is a true love partner.
Loneliness – A fear of facing the future alone and lacking the resources to go out and re-establish friendships and social networks.
Financial gain – The need for financial security. This applies to both sexes.
Power – To have entrée to the right circles – particularly if a previous partner has provided a social buffer. Couples, traditionally, feel more comfortable with other couples.
Business alliance – Where two people have either worked together previously or there is seen to be benefit from a merging of companies.

When is it time to move on?

The short answer is: when it feels right for you. And the operative word is you. Everyone else will have their opinion, particularly your children, and they will be vocal in letting you know how they feel. But the person going through this experience is you and only you can judge when you are ready to invite another person into your life. Psychologists will invariably say it takes two years before we are emotionally ready to move into a new relationship. This however must be weighed with the intimate facts of the relationship. For instance if one partner has been terminally ill, there has been a long period of adjustment and partial mourning long before the inevitable outcome. Whilst the finality of death is in itself a shock, nonetheless there has been some preparation and in most cases discussion about the future of the remaining partner. My advice would be to just go for it! Who knows how long we have. Nothing comes with a lifelong guarantee and the length of the ‘courting period’ has no proven bearing on the outcome on the marriage stakes. Whether you know someone a week, a month, or a year is irrelevant. What does count is that you have honestly examined the crucial life issues and know what each partner expects from the union. It is also vital to have open and honest discussions about your needs and respect and accept each other for who you are right now. By the time we have reached this level of maturity we are fairly set in our ways – it is unlikely we will be able to, or indeed wish to, change to accommodate someone else. Therefore compatibility should be high on the list. Another serious consideration should be: Is marriage necessary? There is a time for every season and each brings its own uniqueness to be enjoyed with the clear understanding that its time is finite and will merge into another.

In support of remarriage The point is, marriage is good for all of us! Research studies show repeatedly and consistently that married individuals (in good enough, nonabusive relationships) tend to be happier, wealthier, healthier and live longer than singles, and to a lesser extent cohabiters share the same outcomes. Married men live longer than single men. They are happier and they eat better and drink and smoke less than single men. Married men also tend to be wealthier and, contrary to popular myth, they have more sex. Married women are likely to be better off financially than single women and most certainly better off than the majority of solo mothers. The positive effects of marriage are extraordinary.

Research: Wilson & Oswald research literature

Some Considerations
• Times have changed since you first married
• New relationships need new skills
• Begin new relationships with informed choices and honed communication skills
• Women have higher expectations of relationships nowadays. They want a more equal share of the benefits
• Carefully examine what worked and what didn’t in previous relationships and learn from them
• Many women want high quality relationships in which they are respected, listened to and treated well
• Realistically examine what is in it for each of you and be brutally honest about expectations
• Put all financial dealings out on the table and agree beforehand how they will be handled
• Deal with extended family issues

Some interesting statistics:
The Australian Bureau of Statistics states that: “Of all marriages in 1997, 33% involved a person who had previously been married. This proportion was up from 14% in 1967.” Currently, almost one-third of registered marriages that are celebrated in Australia involve at least one previously divorced partner and in New Zealand it is just over one in three. Remarriage of divorced people represents an important form of family formation: one that can often create complex family interactions. Previously divorced partners may still have responsibilities from their earlier marriage, such as the care or maintenance of children. A remarriage may affect other family relationships, such as that between grandparents and grandchildren. Of course, divorced people may choose to enter into a de facto partnership rather than formally remarry. However, these partnerships are not discussed in this review because there is no available data to support this analysis. (Australian Bureau of Statistics.)