Aspects of Grief By Lynette Davies

The loss of a loved one is a traumatic experience, one which each individual responds to in their own way. Although coping skills differ, the actual aspects of grief follow a recognisable pattern that can be identified and dealt with.

If someone close was to die, we would expect to feel varying degrees of remorse, loss, grief, and perhaps in some cases, relief and closure. What we would not expect, nor even begin to know how to deal with, is anger. Regardless of how emotionally or spiritually prepared we may feel, when the moment actually arrives, most of us are more devastated than we anticipated. Death is final. We are left with a feeling of incompletion, things we failed to say or do, dreams that never reached fruition. There are endless questions and no answers. Why me? Why now? What if? It’s no surprise that so many of us turn our regret and frustration into anger. When you lose a parent, partner or close friend your natural reaction is to feel abandoned. We are not talking about objectivity here but subjectivity and feelings that are neither right nor wrong, they simply are. You feel cheated, short-changed, unjustly treated. You believed your loved one was going to be with you always. You had dreams and plans and the person you made them with has left you alone.

If a parent loses a child, no matter what the circumstances and even if they have a strong faith to fortify them, they will feel righteous anger at having such an innocent life taken before their time. If a child was snatched in the street, beaten, given drugs or sexually abused, we would be outraged and have no difficulty vocalising our horror and disgust. Why then is it so difficult to understand this same reaction for a more final outcome? Is this not just as outrageous? In order to address grief, we must familiarise ourselves with its cycle. The aspects of grief are represented by the following clearly defined stages: shock, denial, grief, anger, acceptance and recovery. We can help those we care about to make the transition from shock to recovery by understanding the process and allowing it to follow its course. Do not attempt to offer empty, albeit well-meant, condolences. Simply be there. Encourage them to talk about their loved one and how they feel, be supportive and above all, listen.

Shock
Note: shock, grief and denial are interchangeable. It is not uncommon for a bereft person to swing backward and forward at an alarming rate between the three. When in a state of shock, we tend to remain unaware of the facts. It is nature’s way of protecting us until we have time to gather our strength and deal with whatever is required to get on with living. Sometimes the grief hits first and we long for the numbing escape of shock. Shock can provide the necessary assistance until our brain can begin to grasp and assimilate the reality of the situation.

Denial
Denial can occur in several ways. It is when we cast around for a reason why it could not possibly be your loved one, that there has been some gruesome misunderstanding. Any minute now there will be a knock on the door and you will be told that it was someone else, they made a mistake. Feeling numb is common. You may think, “I’m handling this better than I thought – I’m going to get through this – I’m okay.” Or, worst of all, deny your feelings and put on a brave face and act stoically. For whatever reason, some people believe mistakenly, that exposing their grief will make it harder for others.

It is okay to be angry. In fact, it is more than okay...

Grief
Words cannot even begin to describe the realisation of loss and the overwhelming sadness that follows. When it strikes you, it is as though an unexpected force suddenly hits you in the midriff, grinds your innards and then tears them out strand by strand. It sucks the air out of your lungs, while a protesting voice in your head screams ‘no’. Grief is a very personal emotion, the extent and depth is relative to the circumstances of the loss, the relationship to the deceased and individual makeup. To tell someone to ‘snap out of it’, or that they have ‘grieved long enough’, is both cruel and unrealistic. Each person must process grief in their own way. And it is important to know – there is no time limit to personal grief.

Anger
Anger is an emotion that many of us take great pains to suppress. Our society frowns on public displays of excessive emotion and anger is the one that embarrasses us the most. At the least it seems inappropriate, at the worst it leads into that other area of adult angst, namely guilt. The difficulty is that no one is prepared to deal with the anger of a grieving person. The majority of people are able to offer tissues and a shoulder to cry on. Few would anticipate or be adept at dealing with a seething anger that manifests as unpredictable behavioural patterns and seemingly unrelated outbursts. One point needs to be made very clear – it is okay to be angry. In fact, it is more than okay; it is a necessary outlet that is completely normal and invaluably assists the healing process. It is essential that anger is recognised, honoured and allowed to follow its course. Because without this natural release there can be no true healing.

Acceptance and recovery
Recovery does not imply that we have forgotten our loved one. Or that we have completely stopped grieving. It means that we have acknowledged that there is nothing we can do to change the situation and we have accepted the finality of the relationship as we knew it. Recovery is a slow but sure progression toward the light. It is the resolution and strength to continue, to begin taking small steps toward moving forward with our own life. There is a saying, “There is no death, people only die when we forget them”. A loved one will always maintain a special place in your heart.

Life After Death — Understanding Bereavement and Working Through Grief By Dr Philip Bachelor

Life After Death offers 24 real life stories told by people of diverse social and cultural backgrounds. Compiled by Dr Bachelor through personal interviews, the book serves to demonstrate that the grief process differs with each individual. Reading about and identifying with the experiences of others can be beneficial to a bereaved person as, Dr Bachelor tells us, ‘most mourners would love to be understood’.

Healing Your Grieving Heart — For Teens Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D

This book contains 100 practical ideas and simple tips to enable teens to understand and express their grief. Part of a popular series offering tips for different age groups, the book is written by the Director of the Centre for Loss and Life Transition in Colorado, USA. An educator and a grief counsellor, he has set out in a clear and straightforward manner, realistic steps for teens to take when they are dealing with loss.

Grief and Remembering — 25 Australians Tell It Like It Is Edited by Allan Kellehear

A combination of working with people living with life threatening illnesses and an inability to relate to standard ‘grief’ literature led Allan Kellehear to compile this book. In an effort to explore the many and varying aspects of grief, the stories of 25 everyday Australians and their experiences are documented. This book aims to facilitate the process of grief by assisting people in understanding and not just ‘dealing’ with it.