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When a loving couple vow to live as husband and wife ‘until death do us part’, the furthest thing from their mind is the reality behind those words. At some time in the future, either the husband or wife will pass away leaving behind their lifelong friend, lover and companion. It is a harsh reality when one partner is diagnosed with a terminal illness and told they may only live for a few more months or a couple of years at best. It is a time when not only the person dying but also those in their circle of family and friends, take stock of what is important in life. What do they value most? For many couples the importance of life is in the love they share with their partner, the person they vowed to be with until parted by death. So strong is their love and commitment to each other that they decide to renew those vows and once again confirm their faith in each other at this time of greatest need. As a celebrant, I, and my colleagues at the Australian Federation of Civil Celebrants, are increasingly being asked to officiate at reaffirmation ceremonies for the terminally ill. The locations are as varied as the couples themselves. It may be at a hospice, in a palliative care ward, a chapel or if it is possible, at home surrounded by family and friends. Working closely with the family and the patient, a very personal and poignant ceremony is written for the occasion. Great care is taken to consider the declining health of the patient and his or her capacity to be actively involved. It may mean that rings are given on a chain to hang around their neck if their fingers are paralysed or withered.
At some ceremonies a daughter or son may choose to stand in and speak on behalf of their mother or father whilst holding their hand. Irrespective of their incapacity to speak, I am still in awe of the love that can be conveyed through a person’s eyes. No wonder the eyes are called ‘windows to the soul’. I often suggest that a symbolic ritual such as lighting a candle is included in the reaffirmation ceremony. This can give everyone present a focal point and the candle can then be relit at the funeral service, thus becoming a positive reminder of love freely given and shared. Similarly, the couple may exchange a single red rose - the universal symbol of love. A favourite rose, or plant, could be placed in the garden as an everlasting reminder of their love. Many families have commented after the event on the unexpected rewards of reaffirmation ceremonies. It is hard to be uplifting and to create a positive environment when someone you love is dying. The positive nature of renewing wedding vows, including the excitement of having hair done and getting dressed up, is infectious. Everyone becomes involved and energised, creating a pleasurable and memorable occasion without focusing on the impending death. In a similar way, farewell ceremonies in less formal settings are a way of saying goodbye before someone dies. It provides an opportunity to say thanks for the friendship and have one last beer with your mate while he is still alive. These ceremonies can take on various forms. I have officiated at simple family gatherings and at more formal farewell ceremonies where everyone has brought a symbolic item that to them represents something of the dying person’s character and personality. I have seen empty beer bottles, TAB forms, apples, books, footballs and knitting needles. Everyone seems to have objects that when seen, remind them of their unique relationship with a certain person. It might be a grandchild that will see a jelly bean and so think of Nanna, a silver locket that reminds a mother of her son, or the smell of a special perfume. On these occasions everyone explains what they have brought and the significance of the piece. In this way, the terminally ill person learns first hand how their life has affected the lives and memories of others. They discover that they will be leaving a legacy. That they mattered. That they leave the world a better place for having been in it. One of benefits of any pre-death ceremony is that when the time comes for the funeral there is an atmosphere of calm. There are no regrets for what might have been but rather a feeling of completeness as the goodbyes and much of the grieving has been done. Instead of being a time of overwhelming sadness the funeral becomes a final celebration of a life lived. C O N T A C T S AFCC PO BOX 7312, Leura NSW 2780 Phone: 1300 555 875 Email:afcc@civilcelebrants.com.au www.civilcelebrants.com.au
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