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Funny Page
Girl’s Night Out
The other day I was invited for a night out with the girls. I promised
my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed
and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3am, drunk as
a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the clock in
the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realising he'd
probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud
of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution (even when
smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next
morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight.
He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then
he said: "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why,
he said: "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then
said, ‘Oh s*#%!’ cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the cat and farted.”
Tennis Elbow
One day, in line at the company canteen, Jack says to Mike behind him:
“My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”
“Listen,” says Mike. “You don’t have to spend
that kind of money, there is a diagnostic computer at the chemist on
the corner. Just give it a urine sample and it will tell you what is
wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars
- a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.” So Jack visits the chemist,
deposits his ten dollars into the diagnostic computer, pours the urine
sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects
a printout: -You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and
avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while
thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack begins wondering
if the computer can be fooled. He mixes some tap water, a stool sample
from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and semen from
himself for good measure. Jack hurries back to the chemist, eager to
check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction,
and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
- Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
- Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
- Your daughter has a drug habit. Get her into rehab.
- Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They are not yours. Get
a lawyer.
- Your elbow will never get better if you do not stop playing with
yourself.
Married Life Tips
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs
and get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him
and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech
into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in
the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the rump and say, 'You as frisky
as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
Noah’s Ark
“Listen up everyone!" Noah said in a commanding voice. “There
will be NO reproduction on this trip. All of you males, take off your
appendages and hand them to my sons. I will sit over there and write
you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your appendages back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very
excited. “Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and
look out the window and see if there is any land out there!" Mrs.
Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry,
no sign of land yet."
Damn!" and out went Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs.
Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know
it will rain for forty days and nights.Only after the water has drained
will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"
"Look!” Mr. Rabbit said with a very sinister expression on
his face as he held out a piece of paper. "I got the donkey’s
receipt!”
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