COUNSELLING

Stress or Distress?

It’s all a matter of choice

BY LYNETTE DAVIES

On the subject of stress there is good news and bad news. The bad news is that it will never totally go away but the good news is that it can be managed. Stress is both a positive and a negative. As long as it remains the tension that keeps us primed and ready for action then it is working in our favour and should be considered healthy stress. Conversely, when the tension is held for lengthy durations without diminishing in intensity at all then it becomes distress.

There is a saying that goes: “The violin that produces the purest sound is the one that has it strings eased when not in use.” Clearly, the message is that we need to keep balance in our lives. Short periods of extreme stress, particularly by the young and fit and counterbalanced by time out can be sustained for lengthy durations. However as you grow older it becomes more and more important to temper the pressure and keep it in control with equal and opposite periods of alternate exercise or rest. Otherwise there comes a time of reckoning eg sports people who operate well for many years but suffer later from crippling injuries. Monitor yourself and learn to take time out while you can still enjoy it.

It is also important to recognise that what causes one person to become dysfunctional (distressed) another person takes in their stride and thrives on (adrenaline rush). Coping is therefore primarily about attitude. We can choose to allow situations to overwhelm us or to see them as a learning curve that can ultimately be beneficial. The Chinese word for crisis is the combination of two characters, crisis and opportunity. Indicating that within the seed of one is the solution to the other. Nor, it must be pointed out, is it desirable to be totally without stress. Stress is our built-in flight or fight barometer – our body's natural defence mechanism.

Stages of Stress

Early recognition of symptoms of stress allows for action rather than reaction. There are three basic stages of stress.

Alarm State

Example: You discover that an expected dividend on a ‘guaranteed’ investment has fallen through and instead you have sustained a heavy loss. You have already earmarked the money and announced the bonus to friends and family.

Symptoms include:

• Restlessness

• Anxiety

• Anger

• Depression

• Fear

Resistance Stage

Example: You resolve not to let anyone know about your disappointment and attempt to find other ways to cover the fallout.

Symptoms include:

• Denial of feelings

• Emotional isolation

• Narrowing of interest

Exhaustion Stage

Example: There is no change in your situation after several weeks and you remain uncertain of whether or not you will be able to totally salvage the damage.

Symptoms include:

• Loss of self-confidence

• Poor sleep habits

• Unusual and erratic behaviour

• Physical problems such as:

- Hypertension

- Peptic ulcer

- Depression

- Nervous tics

In the stages described above the impact of stress can be reduced by identifying and accepting (owning) the feelings of stage one; avoiding the isolation and withdrawal of stage two; and seeking medical and/or professional counselling for stage three. And remember, sharing your situation with another caring person and talking about your feelings may help give a new perspective.

Common Causes of Stress

Poor Time Management

The most common source of stress in today’s busy world is poor time management. If you continue to add extra projects and/or chores to any already busy schedule without planning for them you are putting unnecessary pressure on yourself and the predictable result is stress. Try documenting how you spend you time and prioritising your life – learn to differentiate between what absolutely ‘has to’ be done, what ‘should be’ done, what you ‘have to do’ and what can be done by someone else. Learn to delegate – to let go of the control button and trust someone else to get the job done even if it might not be as well as you would do it!

Emotional Pressure

The other most common cause of stress is emotional pressure. When emotions enter the picture rationality tends to take a back seat. Try to learn detachment. Don’t take everything personally – attempt to look at things objectively instead of subjectively. When we are too close to an issue we can become blinkered and refuse to see things from another perspective. This leads to erratic or self-serving behaviour that forces us into a position where we have to defend and/or justify our actions.

Additionally, when we are stressed we are usually dealing with symptoms broken sleep, not eating or exercising well and feeling as if all our nerve endings are on the surface. The result is a very short fuse, irrational behaviour and feeling as though an alien has taken over our body! In short we are not behaving as we would under ‘normal’ conditions.

Change

Contradictory as it may sound, in a world where constant change is the norm, most of us do not handle change very well. It is not uncommon to react by digging our heels in when we are faced with having to do something new; change a learned behaviour; alter a long-held perception; or give away anything we are attached to.

If we won a new car in a raffle tomorrow we would surprise ourselves by finding it difficult to totally remove the old one from our life, hand it down to a family member or grow flowers out of it in the backyard. And, wait for it, the older we get the harder it is to accept any type of change. The more time we spend in any comfort zone the more attached we become and the harder it is to extract ourselves from it.

It is interesting to note that high achievers (perfectionists) fare the worst in these scenarios as they put unreasonable expectations on themselves and transfer those demands onto others. When things get out of hand or don’t have the desired outcome they berate themselves unmercifully. Their belief system tells them they ‘should’ be able to handle anything and overcome any obstacles.

Tips for Handling Stress

• Don’t assume that all problems are negative.

• If you don’t manage stress then it manages you.

• Externalising issues lessens internal impact.

• Change the way you think and you will react differently.

• Don’t beat up on yourself – no-one is perfect.

• Test your first assumptions.

• Keep all things in perspective – balance creates harmony.

• Big expectations result in bigger disappointments.

• Treat your body with respect – feed and exercise it well.

• Don’t dissipate your energy – choose your battles.

• Face your fear and do it anyway.

• Use your time productively – be proactive not reactive.

• Begin difficult things while they’re easy.

• Don’t lose your sense of humour!