Joke One
A woman walked into the chemist's and asked the pharmacist for some arsenic.
He asked, “What do you want with arsenic?”
She said “I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman.”
The pharmacist was horrified. “I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman.”
So she reached into her pocket and pulled out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
“Oh,” he said, “I didn't realise you had a prescription.”
Joke Two
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
The little boy did this and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. “I thought I told you to call your mum,” she screamed.
“I did,” he said, “And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.”
Joke Three
Do you know the difference between ‘guts' and ‘balls'?
- Guts
- is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
- Balls
- is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You're next”.
Joke Four
A lady died this past January and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fee and interest on the monthly charge. The balance, which had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
- Family Member
- “I am calling to tell you that she died in January.”
- Citibank
- “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”
- Family Member
- “Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.”
- Citibank
- “Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”
- Family Member
- So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”
- Citibank
- “Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!”
- Family Member
- “Do you think God will be mad at her?”
- Citibank
- “Excuse me?”
- Family Member
- “Did you just get what I was telling you, the part about her being dead?”
- Citibank
- “Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.”
- The supervisor gets on the phone.
- Family Member
- “I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.”
- Citibank
- “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”
- Family Member
- “You mean you want to collect from her estate?”
- Citibank
- (stammer) “Are you her lawyer?”
- Family Member
- “No, I'm her great nephew.” (Lawyer info given)
- Citibank
- “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”
- Family Member
- “Sure.”
- (Fax number given)
- After they get the fax:
- Citibank
- “Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.”
- Family Member
- “Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.”
- Citibank
- “Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.”
- Family Member
- “Would you like her new billing address?”
- Citibank
- “That might help.”
- Family Member
- “Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”
- Citibank
- “Sir, that's a cemetery!”
- Family Member
- “What do you do with dead people on your planet?”