Life Passages

Whilst one of our basic human needs is to feel we are unique (and indeed we are) research proves that in our life choices we are in fact amazingly predictable.

An avid reader, many years ago, I read a book called Passages by Gail Sheehy, which so impressed me that it survived many library culls. It made sense to me then (probably 30 years ago) and makes even more sense now that I have experienced all the documented life passages personally.

Around the same time I read, with similar appreciation, Alvin Toffler's sequel to Future Shock: The Third Wave. This book tracked our process through religious choices - beginning with our initial immersion in whatever our parents believed, through to our development as an individual who is able to make informed and educated choices of our own. Both authors, although from different perspectives, graphed the predictable stages of our lives as we mature.

To plagiarise both, I would summarise them in essence as saying that we spend most of our youth running from our roots only to return to reclaim them as heritage in our old age. To arrive at this conclusion we travel through a series of life stages that are determined by our age, social circumstances, and education. This is a perfectly normal healthy process - one that forces us to stand on our own two feet; come to terms with who we are in the scheme of things; determine our own pathway; and manage the consequences of all those decisions. Thankfully, most of us learn from our mistakes, calibrate where necessary, and emerge a better, stronger, wiser, valued contributor to our community.

To take an average life history: those of us (now in the last phase of our human development) began our working lives from a very similar background. Our families were stable, i.e. they had lived in the same town all their lives; most often in the same family home; probably still enjoyed the same friends they went to school with; and were in the same job they had held all their working lives. Their lives were safe and predictable.

But we, as the next generation, were destined to set a new course. We were born into a new world that had been made smaller through communication and larger through a wider range of choices. In order to experience all that life had to offer we were required to pass through a series of stages in our lifetime.

Stage one: our first job

From the environment described above, as apposed to making educated choices, we stumbled into our first job. Usually it came about through someone our parents or another family member knew, a contact they had or a position that became available where Dad worked. Jobs were allocated by word of mouth and we had no need for references or resumes. We were just glad to have a job, earn money and become independent.

Stage two: developing proficiency

If we were dedicated, hardworking and took pride in our work (and most of us did because that was the culture we grew up in) we became naturally proficient at what we did. That determined the fact that we rose naturally to the top of the particular field we were in. If we worked in a bank, for instance, we worked our way through the hierarchy and eventually achieved promotion into influential management positions. Similarly if you worked in a supermarket and applied the same principles you would eventually attain a management position or the opportunity to run your own store.

Stage three: becoming a commodity

Those of us who became exceptionally good at what we did found ourselves in the position of being able to make two life-changing choices. One: we were head-hunted by other companies who were expanding and in a position to pay for our expertise or two: confident and proficient enough to break away and go into business for ourselves. Either choice enabled you to capitalise on all the years of effort you had put into becoming good at what you do. It is time to reap the rewards.

Stage four: cashing in

You will note that at this point we are still on the same track - merely becoming more entrenched. Around about this time - often precipitated by a) someone offering to buy you out (if you owned your own business) or b) being offered early retirement or a redundancy package (if you worked for someone else) - you are forced into making yet another major decision. Although the decision is usually not easy - due to the fact that both endings and new beginnings are very scary things - you have reached a stage where you feel that you have paid your dues; gone as far as you can go; or (and this is often concurrent) you feel there is nothing more to achieve and you are becoming more and more discontent. Ultimately - either way - you take the money and run.

Stage five: following the dream

This is when we begin to re-evaluate our lives and question every aspect of it. By now our kids are doing their own thing; the mortgage is paid off; retirement has been catered for; and we are beginning to ask some very probing questions. One of the compelling issues is our health as we are continually reminded that we are no longer able to leap tall buildings and forge raging rivers unaided. Indeed we are beginning to take note of all the funerals we are attending and the ill health of our friends and family - in other words we are not omnipotent.

Now we start to wonder how many years we may have left, think of all the things we haven't done and know that good health is a prerequisite if we are to enjoy them. We have the luxury of thinking about ourselves instead of just being the provider and putting everyone else first and cautiously probe ourselves to determine if we are really happy. These are challenging questions and ones, which often reveal unsettling and disturbing answers. All of which leads to time spent looking nostalgically at lost opportunities and calculating how life might have been if we had actually pursued that dream instead of being responsible and doing what we thought we should.

And, because we are now in a financial position to make such a choice, we decide to throw it all in and go follow that dream. This is the point where we enrol at university to get a degree in psychology or ecology or take up painting, furniture making or writing a book. Unfortunately, because we are still in the money-making mode of thinking, this phase usually involves working towards a situation where whatever you do will eventually provide an income. The amount is not that important but the concept of being successful is still attached to remuneration.

A living example

I am (in my early sixties) a living example of this model. However, it is important to remember that I have used a general model here and, to have greater impact when illustrating changes, social behaviour examples tend to highlight extremes in paradigm shifts. I am an individual who thrives on challenges, actively seek change and restlessness fuels my gypsy blood. For this reason I have surrounded myself in my lifetime with like-minded people and kindred spirits.

Whilst everyone is not as comfortable with change and does not actively embrace it, life circumstances have a way of foisting it upon us. A very good example is a woman who finds herself suddenly widowed after spending her adult life being looked after by a very successful husband. Her world is torn apart and she must adjust to a completely different way of life - one which often involves seeking employment in a world where she feels she has no viable skills. Conversely a widowed man has to adapt new skills and learn to live alone.

Recently I completed the cycle I have described by returning to where it all began - my hometown in New Zealand. Because it has not been exposed to competition and there has not been a large influx of new business it has stayed remarkably the same. And over time I have come to realise that in this environment there is a more balanced model. On average (due to my numerous speaking engagements) I would meet 150 different people a week. Daily I encounter people who have lived here all their lives, often doing the same job and living in the same house, whose journey has been more stable, measured and predictable than my own. They have grown incrementally through life's ups and downs, joy and sorrow, according to their degree of education and commitment to personal development.

Their graph will not show the extremes of high and low that liberally appear on mine, but a steady undulating wave that none-the-less relentlessly moves toward the same outcome.

These are the pillars of our society - the men and women who support the myriad of clubs and associations which, against all odds, continue to survive in our community. They give of their precious time, share their often meagre resources, and work unstintingly to ensure the legacy they leave behind will be a community rich in experience; bound by common interests; united in preserving all we hold dear; and supported by an infrastructure that meets all our needs.

So I guess I should conclude by saying that as individuals we shape our own lives and steer our own course. Our outcomes are largely determined by our experiences along the way and the opportunities that have been presented to us on the journey. None-theless it is interesting to observe that the passages still retain a very similar pattern and life would seem to have dictated many of the directions that we took. And finally, no single way is right or wrong - it is simply the path we chose and the circumstances that shaped us.

Ultimately: What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.