Looking after a loved one's love letters

As the Baby Boomers steadily approach their final years, it is inevitable that many are going to be left with the task of ‘wrapping up’ their homes and their lives. One woman who has ‘wrapped up’ five times in the past five years discovered there was no help available for first time ‘wrappers’ and decided to do something about it.

When Diana Todd-Banks' mother died a few years ago and Diana was left to clean up her home, she found; 31 pairs of spectacles, 35 pairs of leather gloves all in pristine condition, 29 identical cream blouses and 51 pairs of expensive Feragamo shoes.

“Before she died, she was always telling us how she had nothing to wear,” said Diana.

“I also found a pile of love letters which my father had written to her when they were courting.

“I just couldn't bring myself to throw them out, but I didn't know what to do with them.”

The love letters were only one of the many problems Diana encountered while ‘wrapping up’ her mother's affairs.

“Packing up someone else's life can be fraught with danger, traps and pitfalls,” she said.

“What do you do, where do you start. who do you have to notify, what do you keep, what do you throw out and what do you give away?”

Diana has ‘wrapped up’ five times in the past five years and has now become something of an expert.

“But the first time I did it, I had no idea about what I should do and I just blundered along,” she said.

Diana quickly realised that she - and other first-time ‘wrappers’ - needed help to guide them through the process.

“I looked everywhere, but there was just no help available,” she said.

“Solicitors only care about the legalities, accountants the financial affairs, and funeral directors are only concerned about disposing of the person's body.

“There is just no one to steer you through the minefield of wrapping up a late loved one's home.”

Diana decided the answer was to write a book on ‘wrapping up’, a comprehensive guide on what to do and how to do it, something, which would help other people who found themselves ‘wrapping up’ for a friend or a loved one.

She has already completed 18 chapters of the book, to be titled ‘Wrapping it up’, and hopes to have it available as an e-book later this year.

Diana said although she had learned a lot from her own experiences, she realised others who have ‘wrapped up’ have had to face problems of their own, problems she didn't encounter.

“I want other people to share their experiences, any hints or tips, some anecdotes about the problems they faced and any unexpected occurrences, including both the funny and the heart-wrenching,” she said.

Diana is inviting anyone who has been through the ‘wrapping up’ experience to visit her website at wrappingitup.com.au and answer a short questionnaire.

“I would also like to hear from professionals such as lawyers, funeral directors, financial advisors and accountants who can provide a view of ‘wrapping up’ from a professional perspective,” she said.

Diana said packing up someone else's life could be very traumatic and demanding, especially the first time you were called upon to do it.

“Anyone who has been through it will understand the emotions and experiences involved,” she said.

“And with the baby boomers steadily moving towards their final years, more and more people will have to take care of a friend or a loved one's affairs.”

Diana still vividly remembers the intense emotional dramas, the sadness, the fear and the stress of her own ‘wrapping up’ experiences.

“I uncovered some awful horror stories and a few startling surprises, some of them funny and some of them absolutely beautiful,” she said.

Diana said finding things that you know were very dear to the dead friend or relative could be heart-wrenching.

“You know they treasured those items and you are loath to throw them out or give them away to charity,” she said.

“Sometimes you can almost feel them watching as you dispose of all their worldly goods.”

Diana said many ‘wrappers’ often tried to sell anything of any value.

“It is an easy way to dispose of things that are too good for the tip, but second hand dealers will rarely offer you a fair price,” she said.

“A friend who ‘wrapped up’ for his mother was offered a total of only $30 for everything she owned.

“He was devastated to think that her life was worth less than the price of a tank of petrol.”

Diana said lifestyles had changed during the past decade and many people of the same sex were now sharing homes together.

“If these relationships are not clearly documented in the will, it can sometimes make the task of wrapping up even more complex,” she said.

Last year Diana was called upon to wrap up for a neighbour she hardly knew who died unexpectedly.

“His family were all overseas and couldn't get out here to do it themselves,” she said.

One of the most important things Diana learned from her ‘wrapping up’ experiences was to stay calm and logical and to be organised and methodical.

“You have to carefully check the pockets of every item of clothing and you have to check between the pages of all of the books in case money or cheques or documents are hidden there,” she said.

“You also have to look in places like the dark and hard-to-get-at corners of kitchen cupboards.

“When my Aunt Henny died last year, I found all sorts of things hidden in strange places.

“Old photos were in amongst her underwear, there were heaps of flowers pressed in books, more than 40 twin-sets, and lots and lots and lots of shoes and handbags.

“I even found food hidden in some very weird places.

“I also found a box of old love letters which had been written to her by the major love of her life during the war years. They were beautiful.”

Diana said the ‘wrapping up’ process could take anything from a day to a few weeks, or sometimes many months.