The Guilt Factor
Whilst one of our basic human needs is to feel we are unique (and indeed we are) research proves that in our life choices we are in fact amazingly predictable.
Survivor guilt is a very real issue. History documents many incidents of wartime experiences where men who have watched comrades fall before their eyes as they remain untouched are left wondering why they were the lucky ones. Sadly, it is a very common phenomenon and many thousands of previously healthy young men return from war unscathed physically only to be left scarred for life emotionally. A more recent example was the highly exposed media coverage of the Australian mining disaster in Beaconsfield.
As the real-life drama unfolded before our eyes we all celebrated with the two survivors who, after their horrific experience and against all the odds, made it back to the surface and into the arms of their loved ones. Amongst all that jubilation it would put a damper on things to remind us all how very privileged they were to have been spared. How many of us stopped to think about the family and friends of their co-worker who did not make it? Today’s world has become very small, due to the speed and efficiency of our media links, and we are exposed to so many disasters that a natural immunity sets in which desensitizes us. Most of us view breaking news on Television or read newspaper headlines and feel removed from the situation – it is almost like watching a movie and all too easy to forget these are real flesh and blood people being torn apart before our eyes.
In every
situation where tragedy strikes we all
devour the gruesome details with a
detached “That could never happen
to me” attitude or a more connected
empathetic response of “There but for
the Grace of God go I”. Although we
are shocked as we view the numbers
of dead and injured, the higher the
fatality count the less we feel any real
sense of reality. That is not to say that
we don’t care. In fact the more we care
the guiltier we feel about the fact that
we are sitting on our lounge with a
drink in one hand and chips in the
other, safe within the walls of our own
home, our money securely in the bank,
viewing this as entertainment.
I don’t think we really give any of
this the consideration it deserves until
tragedy strikes on a much more personal
level. As in most things, it is not until it hits closer to home that we make the
necessary emotional connection and the
message really sinks in.
As someone who has always taken
good health and boundless energy for
granted, I am ashamed of my cavalier
attitude hen I hear of someone who
has been struck down in their prime.
After recently miraculously surviving
a near fatal car accident I cannot help
but wonder “Why me?” Why was I
spared when there are so many other
wonderful more deserving people
who are loved and needed – who have
people dependant on them; have so
much to offer; and desperately want
to live? The aftermath is that I feel
compelled to make the most of what
time I have left and regard each day
as a blessing.
Currently I Play an active and very
public role heading up a major fundraising
campaign to build a local Cancer
Centre. This leads to a perception that
I am an expert on Cancer and I am
regularly regaled with horror stories;
presented with all the miracle cures; and,
what is most heartrending, hear about
the spillover – the impact on parents
and partners who have to cope with a
loved one who has been diagnosed with
terminal cancer. The question I am most
asked, although it is obvious that no
rational response is expected, is “Why
us?” It is understandable when you are
in a loving, successful relationship to
look at other people in dysfunctional
relationships and say “Why not them?”
Likewise, when your cherished child is
ill and you are surrounded by exuberant,
healthy children it is only human to ask “Why my child?” Sadly, many people
feel they are being punished and since
they are the ones being struck down
wonder what they did to deserve what
they see as an act of God.
Conversely, people who have
healthy children or those who still
have their partner do not know how
to deal with the ones who are facing
the loss of a loved one. Etiquette books
don’t cover such situations and it is
easier for us to distance ourselves –
almost as if it were contagious. Our
options: pretend it is not happening,
stay away and remain immune, or
offer sympathy which, no matter how
sincere, runs the risk of coming across
as inane and hopelessly inadequate.
The reason guilt holds us in such
a grip is that we all fear loss of what
we place the most value on. In these
instances it is life. What we love or
value the most is naturally what we fear
losing the most. If we appear to have
survived or overcome when others
around us have not been so lucky we
feel extreme guilt. And guilt affects
different people in different ways:
we either overcompensate or expand
enormous energy in defending our
position and justifying the outcome.
Screeds of books have been written
about the power of love and how it
can conquer anything. There are also
some extremely good ones which
give excellent advice about how to
overcome fear. Few of them have
made the connection between the two.
One of the most powerful studies I
have ever participated in was a year
long “Course in Miracles”. In essence,
for me, the message was purely:
love cannot co-exist with fear. Once
fear enters any equation our logic,
reason, humanity and basic goodness
deserts us. For example most wars
are triggered by intolerance for other
people’s differences. The way they
dress, eat, live, or their belief systems.
What we don’t understand and can’t
control, we fear - hence bigotry,
racism and ultimately war.
We only
feel comfortable with people who look
and act like us.
Fear is one of our most powerful
emotions. Take the time to analyse a
past argument or fallout with someone.
At the basis of most disagreements is
the fear factor. If we are fearful of losing
a loved one; a job; or control over a
situation; we conceal that primary
emotion with a secondary one of anger
or histrionics or misdirection. In the
most basic of our everyday actions
we follow our own unwritten code
of behaviour which has been instilled
in us from birth. All our actions and
reactions stem from a cause and affect
patterning which has been triggered,
at a very early age, by fear: do this or
this will happen.
Recently, when I was on my early
morning walk, I was reminded of how
integral this is in all aspects of our lives.
Since it is on a favoured beach track it
is common to see the same people on
a regular basis. As I was about to pass
a couple ahead of me the man glanced
over his shoulder, recognised me, and
as he stepped to one side to allow me
to pass, commented to his companion“We need a dose of whatever she’s
got.” “It’s simple” was my response“I’m jet-propelled by a mixture of
bars and guilt.” The more I eat of the
former the more the later kicks in. In
my humble opinion guilt is right up
there with love and fear as a prime
motivator.
So how do we deal with all this guilt?
The simple answer is: accept it as normal and learn to live with it. Guilt is a basic human emotion which helps keep us on the straight and narrow. It is a great leveler. The trick is, like all things, to keep it in balance. When you find yourself going on a guilt trip think of the following things:
• Good times are always balanced
with not so good times.
• This is my good time.
• I deserve it (which does not mean
to say that when it doesn’t happen
I don’t deserve it).
• Feeling guilty is just a reminder
to appreciate the gift I have and
treasure it.
• Guilt keeps me honest.
• Guilt enables me to keep a sense of
perspective.
• Guilt gets me up on mornings I
would rather stay in bed.
• Guilt keeps me staying in touch
with people I care about when it is
an effort to do so.
• Remember that the rewards from
actions initially prompted by
guilty feelings far outweigh the
initial efforts.
• And, unless you are a sociopath,
everyone else struggles with it as
much as you do